Well hello there!

What the heck is up with the title of your blog, Peezy?  As I hear that question, I can also hear my mom saying “Jessica” in that ‘Good Lord, are you my child’ tone and my dad shaking his head.  Hey…they’re used to my antics by now, I’m pretty sure.

Well here’s what it’s about.  Up until May 1, 2012 I had never ever lived alone.  Ever.  I’ve always lived with a boyfriend, husband, parent, roommate, etc.  Needless to say, you can’t pee with the door open very much when you’re living with someone else.  Hence the title --- Peeing With the Door Open.  Because now I have my own place and I’ll pee with the door open if I want to, dammit!

I’m not someone who likes to be alone.  Sometimes when I go to Amanda’s (Boone) house, we’ll just sit in the same room and play on our laptops.  Weird?  Yes.  Content?  Very. I hate to even admit to being codependent in that way, but evidently I am!  Another thing that’s kinda weird is that I’m okay with being alone IF I live with someone.  I figured out that the reason I was okay with that was because I knew eventually someone would be there.  I think it was a comfort thing.  Now I’m on my own and I can honestly say I love it.  Let’s go back to the beginning of living alone though…

First off, how did I get to this point?  Well, I was in a relationship of almost 3 years, we moved in together for a grand total of 2 ½ months, and then we broke up.  Why?  Nunya bidness.  BUT, I can sum that breakup in one word: SUCKED.  Real bad.  Like I-didn’t-know-if-I-could-breathe-without-him sucked.  There were times when I literally thought my heart was physically breaking because there was no way that I felt that much pain without something being broken.  Throw in living alone for the first time and talk about finding out how strong you are!!!

So I get my own place and night #1 of living alone begins.  I really didn’t have any idea how I was going to make it through.  I didn’t know what to do with myself.  All I know is that I did it.  I almost didn’t – I almost went running back to Mom’s for “one more night (or 20)” but I didn’t.  And it was one of the most liberating things I’ve ever done.  I woke up that next morning and smiled because I had survived.  Now that I’ve “survived” all this time, I’ve started to realize that I can do ANYTHING. 

I almost forgot the most important element of how I’ve survived all this time!  I really started turning to God.  I've always been a Christian but I basically hit rock bottom and I knew that the only thing to do was turn to God.  This may sound weird, but I was scared to.  I know God loves me and always will, but I hadn’t been the best daughter to Him and hadn’t been paying Him the respect that He deserves.  I found I hadn’t given Him enough credit because He took me into his arms and carried me throughout this entire experience.  There was a noticeable difference when I would spend alone time with Him reading/studying my Bible or just talking to Him.  If I missed a Sunday at church or skipped a day of reading my Bible, I could tell a difference.  Don’t get me wrong; he never left me … I just wasn’t doing what I was supposed to be doing.  One of the best ways I would spend time with Him was through Joyce Meyer.  If you’ve never read her books or listened to her speak; she’s wonderful.  She’s a no-nonsense woman who has seen the depths of the darkness and will honestly tell you that she’s not a perfect Christian either, but will help you to be one.  My favorite poem is entitled “Footprints” and I know that throughout this breakup and living alone, Jesus has carried me the entire time because I was too weak to walk.

One last thing that I feel like sharing is my connection to sparrows.  My favorite hymn is “His Eye Is On the Sparrow”.  The chorus says “His eye is on the sparrow so I know he watches me”.  One day about 10 years ago, I was walking to my car in the Kroger parking lot feeling down in the dumps and feeling alone and I saw a couple of little sparrows hopping around.  That moment my heart filled with love (so much that I swear it tingled) and tears sprang to my eyes.  Sparrows are so very plain and small, and in that moment I understood the meaning of the song.  God has his eye on those little bitty plain birds, so I know He’s watching me.  

Well, I finally did it.  I wrote a blog.  Til next time…Peezy out.