Loneliness is a bear that should be drug into the street and shot

Since I started this blog I’ve been battling whether or not to write on this subject, but I’m just going to throw caution to the wind, tell my pride to STFU, and do it.

Loneliness ---

“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.” – Jodi Picoult My Sister’s Keeper

What a bitch.  I hate it.  I have never ever wanted to admit that I am a codependent person, but living alone has shown me that I have relied far too much on others for my fulfillment and happiness.  I’ve done several things to try to battle the loneliness…I occasionally volunteer at an animal shelter, I coach the twins’ softball team, I participate in a weekly Bible study with a close friend, etc.  But still…at the end of the day when I go home, my apartment is empty (and habitually messy; who keeps making these messes and leaving them for me to clean up? And where’s Helga the Housekeeper I hired 4 months ago to work for free?).  At the risk of sounding like a country song, at times my heart feels as empty as my apartment when I come home.

The advice always given when you ask anyone about how to battle/conquer loneliness is “find activities or hobbies that you enjoy”.  Well CRAP.  I don’t like to do anything.  So I started stealing other people’s hobbies to see if I liked them.  One was I started a smashbook.  A smashbook is like a scrapbook that you put whatever you want to in (that sentence sounded really illiterate, but I can’t think of a different way to word it. Sorry Mom).  It doesn’t have to be photos; it can literally be anything from articles in a magazine to a freakin jump rope (if you can somehow get it in there…and if you do, be sure to post that on Facebook).  I didn’t start one for a long time because I was so depressed from my breakup that I didn’t want to remember that point in my life.  I have never been in such a dark, hopeless place in my life, so why would I want to remember it?  I finally started to snap out of the abyss of depression about 2 months ago and started “smashing” in my smashbook.  That’s been pretty fun and I do enjoy it, but I need more.

One thing that I’ve learned from this breakup is just how amazing God is.  No, I don’t necessarily lead the best Christian life there ever was…and if you snarled your lip when you read the first sentence of this paragraph because you were judging me, please promptly stop reading this blog and delete yourself from my friend list *:)

Not only has He been the only One who can help me (because He knows I can’t help myself) but He has spoken to me more in these past 4 months than He ever has.  Or rather…I’ve listened more than I ever have since I envision Him banging his head against the wall when it comes to me, LOL. 

As I was writing this blog I started to cry…pretty much a pity party because of the loneliness and the residue left behind by this heartannihilation (I made that word up because “heartbreak” seems too weak a word to encompass just what this has felt like).  So I got my Bible, prayed for God to help me, opened it to a random page, closed my eyes and put my finger on a spot on the page.  Here is the verse it landed on:

Joel 2:12-14

“But even now,” declares the Lord, “return to me with all your heart – with fasting, crying, and mourning.” Tear your hearts, not your clothes. Return to the Lord your God. He is merciful and compassionate, patient, and always ready to forgive and to change his plans about disaster. Who knows? He may reconsider and change his plan and leave a blessing for you. Then you could give grain offerings and wine offerings to the Lord your God.

This spoke to me in several ways; I am not relying on Him enough with this loneliness and heartannihilation since I am still battling it.  If I were relying on Him like I should be, then I wouldn’t still be hurting like I do.  So basically, I feel like I should fast something in His name to repent for my lack of faith and to sacrifice something for him like he sacrifices for me.

“Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life's cruelest irony.” 
― Douglas Coupland, Shampoo Planet

“When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

So I’m going to embrace these days of loneliness and learn something from them.  And possibly that lesson will be how much I appreciate the lack thereof once I meet someone.  But above that, I hope that I learn how to not be lonely by myself.  I see now why people settle when it comes to relationships.  When you're like "Why in the world are you still with him/her???"  Because loneliness is a bear that needs to be drug out into the street and shot.  I refuse to settle...I've lasted this long (only 4 1/2 months but that's a long time dammit!!!) and so in order to keep my self respect, I fully intend on waiting until I find someone worthy of my time.  Someone I would love to sit in a room and just watch TV together or have hours of conversation about anything/everything/nothing.

Please feel free to inbox me about your own loneliness or how you’ve learned to cope/conquer it.  Also any hobbies/activities you do to occupy your time!  I'm always open to suggestions!

I want to make sure and take this opportunity to say that I am not discounting my friends who have stuck by my side and hung out with me throughout this time in my life.  I love each and every one of you...for listening to me, providing a shoulder to lean/cry on, etc.  But I think you all know what I mean when I talk about the loneliness that still resonates even after all the love I feel from you all.