Poopy Pants

Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open.
John Barrymore

When I read this quote, the first thing that popped into my mind was the twinkies.  If you don’t already know, I have 3 sisters.  My full sister is Erica, who is 25.  The other two are my sisters from another mister and they’re identical twins … Abby & Adrienne.  Age: 8. Yes 8.  Almost exactly 20 years younger than me.

I remember the day that Mom told me she was pregnant. She said, “I have something to tell you; I’m getting married.”  I was like whoopty doo.  I honestly didn’t care because I didn’t like her fiancé.  THEN she said, “And I have something else to tell you.”  Thinking this news would be as exciting as her first bit, I looked at her with the sluggish I’m-so-bored look that only a 19 year-old can give their mom.  “I’m also pregnant.”  Do…do…do…do WHAT?!?!  I’M 19!!!  My mom was 40!!!  What was my verbal reaction once my mouth stopped making an O?  I jumped up and said “HOLY S*^%!!!”  Mom wasn’t thrilled with that reaction because “she can’t even put it in their baby books” LOL.  Would I really be JPZ if I DIDN’T have a reaction that can’t be forever printed in a baby book?

That was the day that changed my life forever.  Who in the world would’ve thought that:

a) My mom would get pregnant at 40

b) She would not only get pregnant, but have TWINS  (When Mom does something, she does it BIG!  No half assing here!)

c) That I could possibly love two people so much

Their first year was boring.  I’m not into newborns.  I know that sounds terrible, but quite frankly all they do is sleep and poop and cry and eat and that’s boring to me.  I want to be entertained.  I hope to God that I feel differently if I ever have kids because otherwise I’m going to be a terrible mom up until they’re about 1.

The twins turn 1.  I still have a picture of Abby at their first birthday party and I think it is the most precious photograph of all time.  (Abby is the top pic; Adrienne is the bottom)

 

I know I know…you’re waiting on a story because all the twins’ stories are funny.  Well I have a good one:

Abby went through a phase where she decided to dig her hand into her poopy diaper and pull poop out.  Funny? Yes! (especially if you DON’T have to clean it up). Disgusting? Very!  Well the most memorable account of this was one night when I came over to watch the twins while Mom went to open house for the beginning of school to meet her new students and their parents.  As soon as I get there, Mom meets me outside with her hair in rollers and says “I’m going to pay you for watching the twins.” I said, “No you’re not! I love watching them so quit.” “Wait til you come inside” she said, laughing. When I get inside, I go into the twins room and Abby is in her crib and gives me the biggest smile through the bars when I walk in.  I smile back at her.  Then the stench invades my nose like a Trojan horse and my gag reflex goes into overdrive. During her nap, Abby has not only reached into her diaper to get the poop, but she has it ALL OVER.  All over HER, her hair, her clothes, her sheets, and the best part…slid up and down every. single. bar of the crib.  It was DISGUSTING.  Abby stands up in her crib and starts jumping on the bed.  Really?!?!  She’s so happy that I’m there and she doesn’t give an F that she just turned her crib into a fecal hell.  I turn around and look at Mom in horror and said “You’re right; I’ll take money this time” to which she starts laughing maniacally (how can you not laugh any way but maniacally in a situation such as this one?)  Mom was already running late for the open house, so we divvied up the jobs; Mom took Abby to clean her up and I took the crib.  To this day I have no idea how I didn’t projectile vomit EVERYWHERE.  Such a precious baby but I truly wanted to kill her as I’m SCRUBBING the rungs of the crib because the poop had dried on them.  I could gag just thinking about it right now.

So that’s the only twin story you’ll get for this blog, but I figured it’s a pretty good one.

Moral of this blog: the quote above is so very true.  I never knew that the door was open for me to have another sibling (or two…or 4 counting my stepbrothers on Dad’s side) but they have brought more happiness into my life than I ever thought there could be.  Even when they would throw fits at the age of 3 and I could SWEAR that I saw Satan when I looked in their eyes, I still loved them and wouldn’t trade one second with them for anything in this world.

Final thought: All I can think of is a room full of middle-aged women and one of them yells “Who is never going to experience empty nest?” and my mom is the only one who can raise her hand.  LOL!!!

Peezy Out